:: Life in the Lost Lane ::

Life in the Lost Lane
A collective of English Gentlemen

Monday, September 29

THE FIVE GOLDEN RULES TO A SUCCESSFUL MURDER.

There are many different ways to kill a man, however, it's a different story if you want to get away with it.
Hello, my name for the purposes of this instruction is John. This is, of course, not my real name. Should i reveal that, you would consider me a fool, and i would have broken the first golden rule.

GOLDEN RULE 1:

Always control information about yourself.

Now, this rule may seem obvious. It is not. If you are absolutely sure you are not going to kill someone then you may be yourself. Make friends, by all means.
However, if you suspect that you may be forced to murder someone at a later date it is highly advisable not to reveal your true identity. You never know if your attempt at murder will fail; many people have a strong desire to live and it is perfectly reasonable to assume they could fight you off and escape.
A good tip for lying about yourself is to use a name that begins with the same letter as your real one. You are used to the sound and it will therefore come across in a natural manner. If you are already an accomplished liar, you may feel comfortable using any name of your choice.

GOLDEN RULE 2:

Choose your victim wisely.

Think carefully about whom you are going to kill. You must consider yourself a predator. Depending on the preferred method of murder, you must choose your victim accordingly.
For example, if you are using a knife or rope, or any other close range weapons, it would be foolish to attempt to take down someone twice your size. There is too much room for error.
Once proficient, however, the size, shape or age of someone will not matter.
If you are using firearms of any kind, the range of potential victims is , of course, much greater. One or two well-aimed shots will finish almost anyone. Be warned though, shooting into the body of an armed forces officer may not have the desired effect. Bulletproof garments protect these people at all times, and although you may be able to hit one, they rarely travel alone.
I repeat. Choose your victim wisely.

GOLDEN RULE 3:

Make your reason for murder a good one.

I am sure that everyone has different ideas about good reasons for taking someone's life.
So the point to rule 3 is this:
Kill out of love and you will be caught.
Kill out of rage and you will be caught.
Kill out of envy and, yes, you've guessed it, YOU WILL BE CAUGHT!
Emotions of this nature cloud rational thought. To commit the crime and avoid arrest takes cold, calculated decisions.
If you do choose an emotional reason to knock someone off, it is imperative you separate your feelings from the murder plan.
Which brings us to rule 4.

GOLDEN RULE 4:

Planning, planning, planning.

You will never succeed as a killer if you do not plan meticulously. Everything must be to your advantage. Spur of the moment homicide is a no-go. You will undoubtedly leave D.N.A evidence along with a catalogue of other would-be exhibit A's.
Plan ahead.
Watch your target for at least two weeks before your strike. (three is better) This will help you gain an understanding of their movements. It will also allow you to avoid tricky situations and plot your time and place for the assassination.
Two important points that should be considered are clothing and escape.
Gloves are a cliche, but for a reason: It is standard practice for professional killers. If you plan to carry out many "jobs" you do not want your fingerprints at the scene, particularly if you already have a record. And lets face it, most of us have. The only other thing to say about clothing is, don't wear anything you are not willing to burn afterwards.
Make sure you have multiple escape routes ready, whether it's a botched hit, or a chasing dog, you need to be able to get away.
Hope for the best. Plan for the worst.

GOLDEN RULE 5:

Confirm the kill.

Shoot them again. Stab them again. Check the pulse. Make sure they are dead.
You do not want your intended fatality to be a mere wounding incident. Remember, your prey may play dead to fool you.
Worst case scenario: You read a paper/see the news and discover that if the bullet/blade had only been a inch to the right.......it's a miracle they survived.
THIS CAN BE PREVENTED!
A sure-fire way of avoiding our worst case scenario is to practice with your weapon of choice. Visit a gun range or go hunting. Brush up your knife moves on drunk and/or homeless people.
Eventually you will be able to kill with a single shot or a well placed blade.
Until that time, make sure they are dead.

DISCLAIMER:
THE AUTHOR AND PUBLISHERS OF THIS TRANSCRIPT ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURIES, DEATHS OR ARRESTS RESULTING FROM FOLLOWING THE FIVE GOLDEN RULES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. AJS PRODUCTIONS 2003.

posted by B @ 6:06 PM

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