:: Life in the Lost Lane ::

Life in the Lost Lane
A collective of English Gentlemen

Sunday, December 21

HOW TO KILL YOUR WIFE AND GET AWAY WITH IT.
Hello. Over the course of may years I was hired, from time to time to kill people considered a threat to national security. In my spare time i used the deadly arts to dispose of people i considered a threat to me. My superiors, of course, did not know of this. They were unaware of my 'extra curricular' activities. If i had been discovered I would have been killed myself. My name for the purposes of this instruction is John. This is not my real name.

THE SUICIDE:

This is easy. Providing you do it right. People kill themselves every day. Only 15% of suicides leave a note.
If, for example, you want to kill your wife, ( i know many of you have dreamt of that!) she is not simply going to climb into the car and gas herself because you asked her to. No, no. You will have to be inventive.
For a couple of weeks before the "suicide" lace her tea/water/evening drink with amphetamines. Not too much, just enough to keep her awake at night. (you can pick these kind of drugs up in any night club) She will eventually become receptive to the idea of sleeping tablets. Suggest she visit the doctor for some good ones. Do some research and find out the name of a strong sedative, calmly mention that someone at work recommended that particular brand, maybe she should ask for that. If your wife does'nt go for the idea, increase the dosage and she soon will.
On her first night taking the sleeping pill, don't put any amphetamines in her drink. Her tiredness, coupled with the strong tablet will knock her out cold. Quickly carry her into the garage and place her in the drivers seat of the car you parked there earlier. Use her hand to turn the ignition. Also make sure her fingers grip each end of some garden hose and tape. Using gloves, tape an end of the hose to the exhaust and place the other end through one of the car windows. Leave the garage and go to bed.
Hey presto!
The next day you will have one dead wife.
This is where your acting skills come into play. Call the ambulance service. Don't call the police, they will come anyway. They are required to attend any suicide - to rule out suspicious circumstances!
You will play the distraught husband; you knew your wife was unhappy, but you never thought she would do something like this.
Later, you will be informed that your wife had been taking class A drugs. Don't act too surprised, in fact act as if this has confirmed your suspicions. Mention to the police that you made her take a sleeping pill as she had been tossing and turning at night for a while. The drugs in her system will back up your story.
VERDICT: SUICIDE.

posted by B @ 10:19 AM

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